ATTN: Now holding auditions for a new Mum

Thats it - it was bad enough when she tried to cut off a toe while she was clipping my nails (which were perfectly fine being 12 inches long, thankyouvermuch) but last week, she was "grooming" me with scissors. And I was curious. How could those things make the fur fall off. Then she got on the phone with Em-me while she was doing this. And I saw my chance to examine the scissors - with my tongue, of course - like every good dog would.

And it bled - into my whiskers and it made me constantly want to lick something, including mum, her clothes, her hand and her furniture. She felt bad, supposedly, but it wasn't HER tongue with the ow-ie. She made it up to me though, she fed me a popsicle. Which was orange, her least favorite flavor. I think it was a peace offering, and it did make the tongue stop bleeding. She was nice enough to hold it for me and make sure I licked the best spot and didn't drip anywhere. So I had ALMOST forgiven her for letting me have access to the Evil Scissor Things.

But then she decided I had too much blood on my face. (Hello, It was YOUR fault, Mum - I don't see why *I* got punished for it) so it was in the shower I went.

This is how showers for the B-dawg go:

Mum and I get into the bathroom. Mum shuts door. Mum turns on water. I realize its too late and I lay down and show her my tummy for one last scritch before getting shampooed. Mum carries me into shower stall. Mum washes her face. Mum then suds me up withe funky smelling, flea killing shampoo. Keep in mind I'm a tiny dawg, ya'll. She uses like HALF A BOTTLE of the stuff. And then the fleas get all pissy at me and start crawling and bitting and its most uncomfortable, not to mention the soap in my eyes and its cold there on the bottom of the shower, not getting any of the warm water while mum stinks herself up with her own soaps. Finally, she picks me up for a rinse. This is when she picks off all the eye booger gunk on my nose, which I do not like - I put it there for a reason, if I wanted to get it off, I would have. grumble.

Then we exit the now nice warm shower place. Into the cold cold COLD bathroom. Mum then proceeds to make what she calls a "Baxter Burrito." She thinks this is funny. I'm usually too busy shivering to do much complaining. Finally, I decide I've had enough of the burrito and my eyes and ears REALLY itch and I demand out. Then I roll, roll, roll, on the bath mat. If its cold outside, I get to play with mum's hair dryer. Otherwise, I get a coat put on me and its outside for a pee break since the soap that mum uses tastes REALLY good.

So you can see - hurt tongue, then shower. I am so NOT pleased with her, I have decided to interview new Mum candidates. Currently in the running is Aunt Livie, who I spent thanksgiving with, Dr. Linda, who is the first person I met with Mum, and Prez Laura, who I will interview in a few weeks.

Mum is on restriction. I would put her in time out, but then who would I beg treats from???